Pain of Loneliness
by bloodfangsoflust
Summary: Kagome's thoughts on losing everything she ever held dear to her heart.


**_Disclaimer: _**I do not own Kagome.

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A sigh escaped my throat- the only sound in the empty cell. I force myself to relive my nightmarish life to keep myself sane now. I have to stay of sound mind. My body may be broken, but my soul and my mind will remain my own. My fears, my pain, my anger- all are mine to keep. Happiness has fled me, and joy has deserted my mind. I have nothing left anymore, save memory. Memory and tears are the only things I can call my own now. Because the pain he inflicted on me is never going to fade.

_How many times have you told me you love her?_

Why is it always the same? I cannot even begin to imagine what it would have been like for it to have worked out- it just makes it worse. The thought that he could have embraced what I had to offer, rather than tear my heart to shreds, is almost too hard to even contemplate. He's chased after her time and time again. I let him do it; I let him hurt me like that, because of how much I love him. I could never ask him to accept me when he has her- because, as he's told me time and time again, he's in love with her.

_As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth_

Every time he ran off to be with her killed me. I stood beside him and loved him as openly as I felt was safe. She hates him- she loathes all things that are bound by the limits of time. She said so herself. She can't feel love anymore, only hatred. She's leading him on in this- making him promise to go to Hell with her, when she knows she doesn't love him. He just won't see that she can't love him. Her soul was given to me. I am the replacement. Just the other girl. I stand in the way of her loving him, because I have the good parts of her soul.

_How long have I stood here beside you?_

I can't help that part of her soul resides in a different vessel. I can't help that part of her belongs to me. Believe me, if I could, I would have done something about it. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. And that wasn't with me. He was only happy when he was with her. I know that now. He told me so. I could never take that happiness from him- no more than I could hate her for taking him from me. I can't hate any more than she can love. She has that part of our soul. I've waited for so long for him to see that she can't love him. I can't wait anymore.

_I live through you_

I stopped waiting for him a long time ago. Shortly after I realized that I loved him, I stopped waiting. He was the only thing I would ever want, and he rejected me, insulted me, time and time again. I suppose it's my fault for clinging for so long to something that was never going to be. Mayhaps it was always just me. I can't live behind a façade of such magnitude forever. It slowly destroyed me. I am nothing now, all because of him. Or perhaps it was all because of me. Is it possible that everything he ever said about me was true? Is it possible that everything he ever thought I was, I am?

_You looked through me_

I was never substantial to him, anyway. I was invisible unless he needed to know where a jewel shard was. Even then, all he ever cared about was the only thing I was ever good for to him. So why didn't he just get her to help? She could see them just as well as I. And he obviously enjoys her company far more than he enjoys mine. I wish I could say he hates me, but I know he doesn't. He pretends I'm her every now and again, I think. That's the only reason he kissed me.

_Ooh, Solitude_

Now that I am alone, I can think back. They got married, as I always knew they would. She was so happy that day. He had asked her a long time ago. I was so happy for them, but when I was alone I cried tears they will never see. They don't know the sacrifice I made for their happiness. They never will. Now I only have their memory. My Master is the only one I see anymore.

_Still with me is only you_

He abandoned me. That's why I am alone now. I only hold his memory, because he would not want to see me, even if he knew what I had done to free him. I love him so much it hurt to be so mad at him most of the time. It killed me to know that we would never be together the way I wanted us to be. Only his memory protects me. My Master likes to play games with me because of his memory. Perhaps that is my fault, too.

_Ooh, Solitude_

I am left with nothing. I finally confessed my feelings for him. I told him I'd loved him for longer than he'd ever know. And he tore my heart apart. He told me the day he loved me was the day he grew wings and rode the winds. He told me he would never love me, that he loved her, and that I might as well not exist as far as he was concerned. I don't remember much of that night after he said that. I think I ran off, as far from him as I could get, but I don't know. My child-demon died of a broken heart, or so I was told. One more thing to add to my nightmares, my pain.

_I can't stay away from you_

Despite the pain he dealt me, I couldn't stop loving him. I tried for so long, but I couldn't. I wanted so badly to hate him. I cannot hate. I could never hate him. How can I keep doing this to my poor heart? It has gone through enough pain, but it still refuses to let him go. How could it do this to me? How could he do this to me? He thinks I _want_ to be the replacement? No, he thinks me a barrier, the thing stopping her from being whole, from being able to love him. I sorely regret hurting him so badly. And yet, how can I not? This wasn't my choice, and it never will be.

_How many times have I done this to myself?_

I sold my body to buy his freedom. I made him think that his enemy was dead. All signs of his existence faded from the world, as though his appearance had simply eroded away from the knowledge of the living. But I know better. My Master, his enemy, is the one I sold myself to. I bought his freedom with my body. I gave myself over to my Master so that they could live and love. I will never be able to do those things. I cannot even feel anymore. I cannot feel anything but pain.

_How long will it take before I see?_

My loneliness doesn't hurt as much anymore. Knowing that my friends are alive and able to love is enough to keep me sane. Knowing that he is alive is enough. Knowing that my body is used to keep him alive is enough. I shouldn't trust my Master's word, but I have no choice. If I don't believe his word, I can't trust myself. And if I don't trust myself, I will stop caring. My Master will not allow that. So I keep them alive through a love that will never come to pass.

_When will this hole in my heart be mended?_

I want so much to let go. I want to die and just not care what happens to him. I wish I could. Some days the pain of regret, the heaviness of sorrow, is too much to bear. I lay on my windowsill, staring out at the birds that fly free. And I cry, because I will never have that kind of freedom. That easy, carefree existence stopped when I gave myself to my Master. Perhaps when my heart decides it is finished with all of its pain and gives out, I will know true happiness for the last time. The first and last time, the only time.

_Who now is left alone but me?_

Now that I am alone in this world, I can contemplate true happiness. I can torment myself with thoughts that will never come true if I wished. I could think of what it would be like if that witch had never brought her back. If I still had a complete soul. Perhaps then we would be together, because there would be no other for him to choose. But then what? My heart may ache for him, but I believe he never would choose me even if he didn't have her. I would have ended up just as heartbroken as I am now.

_Ooh, Solitude_

It's hard to accept some days. I loved him for so long, and then he betrayed me in the worst way possible. He never will know what I did for him. He'll never know what I gave up for him to be happy. I would know if my Master had gotten rid of him, so I believe he is safe yet. Perhaps all I can do is contemplate bashing my head into the stone walls of my prison until blood runs in rivers and I lose consciousness to the sweet embrace of death. Perhaps, if I could only try to accept my situation- but I won't allow myself to. Not now, not ever.

_Forever me and forever you_

Acceptance is forgiveness, and what he did to my heart is unforgivable. I never thought he would do it to me. He seemed to tolerate my presence no matter what I did wrong. Of course, the situation has to be my fault. If it wasn't, would I be so miserable? I don't think so. It is my fault; it always has been. And yet, I love him still. No matter the pain to my heart, I am still in love with him. Why must my heart be like this?

_Ooh, Solitude_

Why must I still want him? I know I will love him forever. Despite the agony he put me through, I will love him. None of this is his fault, now that I think about it. I brought my present situation on myself. There is no way this is his fault. If only he hadn't been in love with her…. No! Don't think about it. I wish I could hate him, hate her. I can't. I love him too much to wish him ill.

_Only you, only true_

I hear people talk about soul mates all the time. I know now he was mine. How could he not be? He was so in love with her. I am her reincarnation- and therefore, he was mine. But Fate is a bitch. The fucking luck of Fate is to take away the only one I ever wanted in my entire life. Strictly because I want him, doesn't it stand to reason that I can't have him? Isn't that how it always works?

_Everyone leaves me stranded_

They left me long ago. It should not matter to me now that I am not with him. But for some reason, it does. I've had so long to adjust to my situation. I've had so long to let him go. But my heart continues to hold on to him. I don't know why, exactly. I tell it time and again to just stop wanting him and the pain will stop. But my heart doesn't listen to my will. Then again, does anyone's?

_Forgotten, abandoned, left behind_

My memory will fade in their minds like a meaningless disturbance. I will be long forgotten by the time I die. I will be dead to them long before my heart stops beating. Would that that day could be today. It isn't, and as far as I know the day never _will_ come. I may live forever in this pain, this torture. That's an eternity that I don't want to live through. Never.

_I can't stay here another night_

Though I would love to end it, I deserve my suffering. He didn't think me worth his time, so I must not have been. He didn't think me a real miko, so I must not be. He doesn't believe me worthy of his love, so I am not worthy of _any_ love. If I am not worth him, I am not worth anything. My Master sees me as a toy- so perhaps that is all I am after all. Just a toy to be used as he pleases.

_Your secret admirer_

I loved him for so long! How could he not have known? Everyone else knew! Everyone else saw it, clear as day. Even _she_ saw it, though she only used it to her advantage. Especially after that stupid moth forced me to go rogue. I almost killed him, in the same spot that she bound him. I'm sure that's when he stopped trusting me completely. Not that he did in the first place.

_Who could it be?_

He called me by her name as often as he called me by my own. He rarely knew it was me he was addressing rather than her. I know that's how it was. After the things he said to me before I saved his life, he has no right to refute my thoughts on the matter. He can't ever take back what he said. Would he if given the chance? I don't think so. I don't even want to think about the concept.

_Ooh, can't you see_

I need to remember his words so I can survive. I may not be able to hate him, but I will still love him through everything. They say love is eternal, and I know they were right. There is no way love is not, not when my heart has clung to his memory for so long. Perhaps _because_ I cannot hate him I love him so. Is that possible? Mayhaps. I like the notion.

_All along it was me_

He will never know just how deeply my love for him runs. I know that as sure as the sun will rise. I also know that he will love her as long as I love him. She cannot love him- but I can, so I will for both of us. I cannot hate him, but she can- so she'll hate him for both of us. She can hate me all she wants, but she won the war, whether she is alive or not. She has him now.

_How can you be so blind?_

She managed to capture his heart long before I appeared in his life. It stands to reason that he would love her rather than me. Why take something you've never seen before when you can have an old favorite? It simply makes sense, and stands against all forms of logic. She can have him. He would never be mine, even if he said he was. His heart belongs to one who will never return his love.

_As to see right through me?_

My love is nothing to him, so I will not wish it to be so. That's a lie. I want him to love me so much it hurts my already wounded heart. I wish I didn't, but wishes don't change things. Never have, and they never will. If they did, life would be far easier. If only. But I refuse to wish for something I will never have. At least, not consciously. In my dreams, he is mine.

_And ooh, solitude_

I take solace in the fact that my body is used for something good. I take pride in knowing my life is in the hands of my Master. Because what I do keeps my love alive. He doesn't have to return my love. He doesn't have to acknowledge my existence. The mere knowledge that I sacrificed everything for him is enough to keep me strong, no matter the pain within my heart. I love him, and that is enough.

_Still with me is only you_

He is the only love of my life, and that is enough. I will never regret my decision. He does not need to know what I did for him, because he would not care. I saved his life with my body. I allowed him to love her because I love him so much. Maybe when I am dead I can tell him everything. But even then he wouldn't care, so I see no point. My last thoughts will be about him, just as every other thought is about him. Save when my Master is pleasuring himself.

_I can't stay away from you_

Perhaps, when my spirit passes the barrier between the Three Worlds, I will be alleviated of my problems. Will my pain leave my spirit when I pass on? It is possible. Oh, I hope it is so! Then I can be reborn and try again, somewhere far away from him. Somewhere where this is nothing but a nightmarish memory that I will never have to think on again. Can one be so lucky?

_Ooh, solitude_

I wonder if she can feel the emotions deep within my heart. I can sense her hatred because she has part of our shared soul. Is it possible she can feel the love I feel for him? Is it possible she envies me for being able to feel it, as I envy her for being able to loathe? I can certainly find out. When I pass, I will send our soul to her. That would make him happy, I think. She could love him, and I would be gone.

_Forever me, forever you_

So my final thoughts rest, surprisingly, with my Master. I have grown accustomed to him, his icy penetration, his fierce eyes. I think if I were still able, I might have loved him. If only I could tell him this. I can sense his need for love, even if he would never admit it to me. I know his emotions are more real than any other demon's. He may never accept them, but he can know that they are a good thing. Would that I could tell him so.

_Ooh, solitude_

Kagome hit her head against the stone floor with all her severely weakened strength. It was not quite enough to do more than a massive headache, but she did it again regardless. Something within her crumpled, and pain exploded behind her eyes. She whimpered, but did it once again. Blood began to drain from the wound. She gritted her teeth and hit one more time. That did it. A smile spread over her features as she lay herself down, soaking her raven tresses in her own blood.

"Inuyasha," she whispered through a haze, "I love you."

_Only you, only true_

Kagome's body lay as though in a peaceful repose, though her eyes were open and clouded in Death. A smile lingered on her frozen lips. Naraku found himself returning the smile. His simple trick had worked surprisingly well. Now that her sacrifice was out of the way, he could pursue his enemy. He could exact his revenge. He had waited this long. Now was the time to act.

Kikyou stopped moving in surprise. Around her, her Soul Collectors dropped dead. The souls she had stored within herself to keep her unlife going escaped with muted sounds of joy. Her body began to crumble back to the clay of which it had been remade.

"No!"

Inuyasha stiffened bolt upright. Something deep within his heart had seemed to snap. His golden eyes widened in absolute shock as he realized what she'd done. Her final words skittered across his mind.

_I love you._

"Kagome!" Tears welled in his eyes. Pain entered his heart. He could feel the depth of her agony, her despair, her love. What had happened? Why had she left him? He hadn't seen her in nine months. He would never get to tell her his true feelings. She was gone, gone forever.

A howl of pure anguish rose from his throat.


End file.
